Small

A theme in my life right now is feeling small. While in my home country, in light of my shortcomings, I would often comfort myself with my abilities. Well, what do you do when you are in a foreign country and you have no abilities?!

Gracy often tells me that one of the hardest parts of being an expatriate in a foreign land is that she has had to "lose herself" in many ways. Many of those things that she did well and that gave her identity have been included in the process of letting go.

In a sense, we have each had to grieve the loss of our identity and find it in a new place. Here are some of my common thoughts as I progressively move through the grief process:

1. Denial - "It won't be that hard to adjust here. I'll just immerse myself in the culture and it will feel like home in no time at all."

2. Bargaining - "I'm going to find some things I am good at and enjoy (basketball, studying alone, eating frequently at Western restaurants, watching movies)."

3. Anger - "Why do they drive that way, relate that way, eat that way, play basketball that way, etc.?!"

4. Depression - "Why am I here? How am I contributing? I'll never be fluent! I'll never make real friends!"

5. Acceptance - "I have limited language ability, but I can communicate love. I don't fully understand why I am here, but I believe I am here for a purpose. I will not be comfortable, but I can be willing."